Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
