I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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