i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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