She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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