sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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