Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize