We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
