Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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