i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Girls should come with a carfax report
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
