I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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