Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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