You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
