i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
