So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize