Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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