dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
