I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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