Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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