yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
