you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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