highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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