We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
