you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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