rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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