I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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