Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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