When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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