well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
