I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
