Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
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