If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
