Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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