if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
