I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
