She is in my trunk
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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