Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
