omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
