Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
