I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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