Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what day is it and did you see me today?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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