Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
