Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
