Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
