There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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