Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
