There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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