Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
