I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
