all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
