guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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