I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
