Apparently you make a good broom.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
