I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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