it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize