you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I understand Curling. That high.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
