Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
