I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What a dumb baby whore.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
