i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
God, I missed his penis.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
