I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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