just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
